Karamazov

Now reading Dostoevsky's classic. Strangely, I don't find it gripping, and I don't find it very relevant to me. I think the madness within the book is somewhat irrelevant to me now. I blame my slow slide into mediocrity and my tumble against practicality for the fact that this book seems less resonant than when I picked it up the first time. The first time, granted, I thought everything resonated with me, I tried to get into the spirit of whatever it was, and now my spirit is tired of contorting itself. My mind realizes what most people already know, and that is that you are only one thing, composed of many little things, but essentially one thing. I still haven't found what that thing is that I am, but I think it's a step in the right direction to recognize that I am one thing. I am at heart static. The more I change (as the saying goes) the more I stay the same.

Back to the book however. I'll include a quote. This is the part where Smerdyakov actually speaks up and starts to argue about a story that Gregory has told, which he got from the butcher. Old Karamazov foreshadows Ivan's control over Smerdy by saying that he's really doing it to impress Ivan. Karamazov is delighted and calls Smerdyakov 'Balaam's ass.' After Smerdyakov makes the argument that a man, being forced to renounce his Christianity may do so because just when that man considers doing it God strips him of his salvation, therefore he isn't renouncing anything, Karamazov jumps in and without much effort and primarily for the fun of it slaps him down. He first refers to the fact that Smerdyakov believes there are maybe two people who could move a mountain, and Karamazov remarks that it's 'very Russian' to make that statement:

"Those words of yours, Balaam's ass, are worth their weight in gold, and I'll see to it that you get a gold piece today. But as for the rest, you're full of wind and nonsense. For your information, you fool, the reason we generally lack faith is that we refuse to give it much serious thought. We're much too busy. first of all, we're too much involved in our personal affairs; and secondly, God hasn't given us enough time for it: with twenty-four hours in the day we can't even get enough sleep, let alone repent our sins. But when you give up your faith under torture, you do it at a time when you have nothing else to do but thing about that faith of yours, and that is just the proper time to stand up for it! And so it does constitute a sin, doesn't it, my good man?"

There is actually a bit a little later in which Old Karamazov says that there hasn't yet been a woman repulsive to him. Every woman he says, has some quality that makes her wonderful. I used to feel that way, I used to be able to relate to that, but I have decided that people are really not so remarkable, and that Karamazov is really demonstrating the fact that his penis does his thinking for him, for a penis is only interested in fleshy orifices of any shape, size, or upkeep.